Friday, May 23, 2014
BORN AGAIN! TO "NEW LIFE"
BORN AGAIN! TO "NEW LIFE"
There was a battle that warred in my spirit for so long to the point that I was blind. For years, I walked in unbelief, knowing the truth but couldn't believe it for myself and how to apply it to my life. I struggled with beliving the "truth" of what the Word of God said about me being healed in my body early on in my diagnosis and who I was created to be in Jesus Christ. Why? Because it was not what I would see in "black and white" when I would go to the doctor's office on paper for my appointment or when I looked in the mirror. The paper said I was "undectable" by man's standards that there is still a very minimum amount of the virus in my blood .....But yet! as a Christian God had told me I was HEALED the first time!
During the early years I had confessed faith in Jesus Christ, that I was healed in my body of my HIV, yet I was still unsettled in my spirit and in my mind. The battle waged war against me strongly in my mind. We know that the mind is one of the greatest and easiest places for the enemy to build strongholds and to tear down the truth of God if we are not grounded in our faith in Jesus. If we are weak in our mind, then we are weak in the body and spirit and sin continues to holds us in shackles of bondage in the valley of darkness and fear.
I read the truth of God's Word constantly and daily, and even prayed. Yet still lying to myself and to God I would "try" to convince other's, when I couldnt believe it for myself. I struggled in the core of my inner being, of my soul just to grasp on to the reality that Jesus Christ had paid the price and purchased my redemption on the cross. His Blood had already cleansed me and made me whole.
Shortly after I had re-committed my life back to Christ in June of 2001, it was a few weeks later I found out I tested positive for HIV. I had great friends of support around me and rooting for me, loving me and praying for me, but, I was still blind and oblivious not able to see past "feelings" and emotions or wounds.
My flesh and spirit truly warred with one another. I held on to bittness, rejection, jealousy, envy and hatred toward me and others or anybody, who was not HIV infected. Negativity and self condemnation became my best friend. I would say to myself, They just don't understand, what I am going through. I lived in the "high chair of the pity party". I blamed myself for every issue and problem and believed that everything was my fault, others as well and the person who infected me. I told my sons about it and although they said it did not matter to them, I still felt that they were ashamed of me.
What I needed and did not have was the love of Jesus in my life and to say that I truly know Him personally. I knew who He was, but I just could not seemed to wrap my mind around the fact that He LOVE ME! How could He love me a person who was HIV Positive? But rather than accepting the love of Christ over my life I was trying to get to God without going through Jesus. And His Word is true when He says, "that no one comes to Father except through the Son" (THIS YEAR 2014, PRAISE GOD IT IS SETTLED....HE LIVES IN MY HEART AND SOUL and I AM HEALED AND BEEN MADE WHOLE!)...... Prior to the truth of TODAY, I knew I needed Jesus to surrender EVERYTHING AND ALL to Jesus and for Him to just take over my heart and my life.
Before then, I wanted and needed the approval of people more so I thought in order to make me better. All of my affections were set on people and not on Jesus and what He had already done on the cross in the forgiveness of my sins. I had to learn that it was not the people that could save me from my sins or to save my life.......I NEEDED JESUS to truly come into my heart to change me from the inside out. I needed JESUS to show me how to love and to love me beyond the pain of my past mistakes and failures. There were many tears that I cried many times over the years, to the point that they could probably fill an ocean. I helded on to every painful hurt to the point of suffication always promising to let them go and give them up. I had to REPENT for my waywardness and sins. And Then GOD!!!!! showed me how to LIVE through it, and to get through it. I am now FREE! And whom the Son's sets FREE is FREE indeed!!!! Glory!!!!
There are so many people living with HIV, who are "suffering" from many things that they just are too ashamed or overwhelmed to talk about. This is the ministry that God has now birthed out called TRIUMPHANT LIVING. It is by and through His grace that I know God will guide me through to helping others or families struggling with the same issues as I was. There are people who are NOT HIV infected that have gone through trial and struggles similar in nature and just need to know that JESUS is REAL and that HE is ALIVE and WELL. People bottle their hurts and hide them thinking and believing within themselves that they are o.k., not realizing that this is a trick of the enemy to paralyze people with fear causing thme to be afraid to reach out and make a true connection to JESUS Christ.
I praise God for His unmerited favor in my life and for second, third and even multiple chances of not giving up on me and always being there for me. I thank God for the people who He has placed in my life to love, help, support and pray for me through this process.
I am so grateful to God for healing my brokenness and for giving me an opportunity to tell others about Just how good God is! This is now why I stand on the truth of HIS Word and what it says in Galatians 2:20 and 2 Corinthians 2:14....The bottom line is that I am now living because I am crucified with Christ and therefore it is because of Him that I am "triumphant" in Living Life On Purpose!!!